2013 - The Year of Grace

I know we are well into 2014, but I'm still in the midst of recounting last year and making goals for this year. As I've looked back on and thought about 2013, I have to admit it has been a rocky year. However, during some of these hard times, I feel like Danny and I have drawn even closer in our marriage. I sure love that man of mine. I really think what makes a strong marriage is facing the tough stuff together. I have also grown closer to my Savior, though at times it didn't always feel like it, which I will discuss more below.

I can honestly say, this year has whittled me down to a rather more fragile version of myself.  I think that is what being humbled is.  I have been humbled.  I’m still working on being humble.

I think with this past year, I’m understanding more what grace is.  I think you have to experience a lowly place to even feel the need for grace.  I agree with the common phrase: “Do your best.” However, I don’t think we always understand what our best is.  At least I haven’t.  I think it is easy to look back at a time in your life, perhaps on your mission or when you were fulfilling a calling you liked or just when you were in a good place, and it is easy to feel like: “That was my best.”  And then we continue to strive for that high bar of "best" and feel like failures, because we can’t reach that spot, though that time in our lives was likely void of the trials we are facing at the present and probably remembered as better than it actually was.  I don’t think that is what your “best” is.  I feel our best changes every single day, and even multiple times within a day. There are times in our lives we can give  90% of just plain awesomeness and other times only 5% and in both situations that is our best, because that is what we were capable of at the moment.  I don’t feel we ever reach 100% on our own, because we aren’t perfect.  The only person who did that was Christ and he is willing to help us reach 100%, but it is only through him.  Yet, so often we still try to make 100% all on our own.  I see this a lot in our church culture, not the gospel, but church culture.  I think there is a culture trap of seeing the commandments as a to-do list, like a ladder to perfection.  I’ve seen friends leave our church over this, because after doing everything “right” they still were not happy or still were not getting the righteous desire they felt they deserved.  I think there is danger in this mentality and I have been in this mentality before.  Simple example (from my teen life when my perfectionism was at its worst): "I missed a day of journal writing (or scripture reading, etc.)  Ugh, I’ll never be good enough.  We talk about doing this in Young Women’s all the time.  I’ll have to make up and do extra tomorrow."  And so it goes in so many different scenarios in life, we chase after perfection because we think that is what perfection is.  And I’m talking about doing good, righteous things, not even the falsified perfection of nice cars, chiseled abs and perfect hair the world tells us is perfection, which is another trap we fall in, but I’m not going to go into that right now.  And when we don’t reach the perfection we want, it is so much easier to fall in complacency and guilt ridden self-loathing.  I don’t believe this is the gospel.

I’ve learned lessons in grace over this past year.  I’ve had glimpses of this before and I’ve seen more so now.  First, I have been reminded that the commandments are not a to-do list we check off.  The commandments are to be of assistance to help us and help soften our hearts.  They are to buoy us up and keep us safe.  Even if we are keeping the commandments and are feeling sad or lonely, it doesn’t mean we are doing them wrong or we aren’t doing enough.  I feel in those moments that is when we are given opportunities to recognize grace, because even when we are doing everything “right” we still can’t do this all on our own and Heavenly Father is trying to teach us that.  Here are some of the lessons of grace I’ve had recently.

For the first time in my life, going to church can be hard.  It isn’t because of the members or the doctrine.  It isn’t because of a lack of testimony.  It’s because it can be painful.  Comments made and lessons taught, even when they are all true, can still hurt.  I have felt this many times during our struggle with having kids.  There is an aspect of feeling left out from blessings and feeling hurt.  Sometimes feeling the spirit can be painful.  Probably because the Lord knows to be healthy, I need to clean out my emotions that are being bottled up so he is trying to give me chances to do so.  This ends in me leaving during lessons or talks to go cry in the bathroom or at home.  I have felt on some Sundays, subconsciously putting up a wall to not let too much of the spirit in, because I’m afraid I’ll emotionally fall apart.  Maybe that sounds illogical, but it is true.

One Sunday not too long ago, I was having anxiety over going to church.  I was dressed and ready to go, but feeling quite unhappy.  I said a silent prayer which consisted of, “Heavenly Father, I don’t know if I can do this for today.  Is it so horrible if I stay home?”  I was half expecting an answer of, “Oh of course you can go, you’ll be fine. It is what you are suppose to do.”  And perhaps that is the answer I would have gotten at another time of my life when my capacity was stronger.  Instead the answer came to my mind simple, loving and clear, “Go for as long as you can handle.” The Lord knew where I was at emotionally and I felt the sense of grace I needed.  I can’t do this on my own and He is here to make up the rest.  I did go for the whole time, even though Relief Society was a struggle.  (I should note on Mother’s Day, this was not the case.  I only went to sacrament meeting and I didn’t feel any guilt with that.  I felt at peace with that decision.)

Another lesson of mine came after another angry prayer of mine.  I’ve had prayers this past year that are along the lines of “Heavenly Father, I’m so angry right now and if I say anymore it will just be hurling bitter frustrations.  I know I sound like a 2-year-old having a temper tantrum right now, but whatever. Just help me fall asleep. Amen.”  After a particular prayer like this, the next morning I was feeling guilty for being angry about life, because I do have much to be happy about.  I said a quick prayer of, “I’m sorry for being so mad last night and ungrateful.”  The thought in this particular situation came to me immediately, once again simple and loving: “It’s ok, you are repenting.” There it was again, that loving grace which is so quickly given.

Time and time again as I have struggled, I have also felt sincere love and mercy extended to me from a loving Heavenly Father through a loving Savior. Sometimes immediately, other times I had to be patient. I am not perfect. Some days I really screw up. But the best news is I'm expected to be imperfect at this point in my progression. The atonement will fill in the gaps as long as I don't give up.

I do agree with the scripture 2 Nephi 25:23 “For we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.” However, over what I have learned this past year I feel we need to be careful how we judge ourselves and others of what “all we can do” means.  At times on my mission when I felt discouraged and felt I wasn’t doing enough, I had the spirit whisper to me more than once “You are doing better than you think.” I repeat, “You are doing better than you think.”