15 Going on 16

This past weekend, I found myself reading through my journals of when I was 15 and 16.  It all started with Danny getting his childhood journal from his mom, who was visiting.  Danny wrote maybe 4 times as a teenager; I wrote every single day.  We compared what we were doing on the same days of our teenage lives, which was rather amusing.  I then found myself reading more and more of the inner thoughts of my younger self.  Fascinating, really.  Not so much that I had deep thoughts or anything, but more of how I used to think.  When I mentioned to my mom about reading my teen journals, her response was: "So, did you laugh or cry?"  Ha, I love my mom, so honest.  I answered, "A little bit of both."  Man, being a teenager is hard.  Nostalgia tends to make you forget the tough stuff.  So here are my jumbled thoughts after reading the end of my freshman year, my whole sophomore year and the beginning of my junior year.

• First, if only I could go and give young, teen Jannifer a big hug and tell her it will all be ok.  Especially after some dance I wasn't asked to or some other social disappointment.  How I wish I could tell her: "You are smart, funny and lovely. You will get plenty of dates in college, so much that it will stress you out and you'll want to hide from it all at times (true story).  However, being "liked" by guys is NOT the most important thing.  Please, please, please stop putting your self worth on such fleeting things."  Yet, I wonder if my teen self got this message from my future self, I would have listened?  I doubt it, since my mother and a multitude of Young Women leaders told me the same thing and I didn't listen. (Also, since in this scenario I somehow figured how to talk to my past self, I would then jump to early/mid 20's Jannifer and give her a good talking to about the importance of communication in dating. So much confusion and stress could have been avoided. Sigh, live and learn, right?)
• On a more hilarious note, I can't even tell you how many random guys that I found "hot" or "fine" had been recorded in my journal.  Waiters, cashiers, older brothers' friends I'd see once, you name it.  Now did I have actual conversations with any of these guys?  Hardly.
• I was reminded how harsh teen girls can be.  The gossiping and purposely leaving others out. Reading it happening to me and around me made me cringe and I have to say, I had it rather easy.  Most of my friends were kind and loyal.  What makes me sadder is when I see grown women still using high school tactics, but that is a different post for another day.
• On a more positive side of things, my friends and I were really funny girls.  As my mom put it once, "very creative."  Crimping hair parties, making up holidays and so forth. (Wait, I still make up holidays...)  I'll stop there, in case our randomness now embarrasses individuals in their adult state.  At least I'm not posting pictures.
• At my adult height, I was at my very skinniest during these years.  I was not at my happiest.  I wouldn't say I was at my unhappiest.  I was probably at my most insecure, though.
• The perfectionism in my journal just kills me.  You would think I was a horrible student by how many times I dramatically said I failed a test.  Then I would nonchalantly record my end of semester grades, which were all A's, A-'s and a few B's.  I feel our culture pushes perfectionism, particularly on women.  That is also another post for another day, but all I'm going to say about it right now is that it is TOXIC to your personal well-being and happiness.
• One joy of reading my journal, other than laughing at some silly occurrences in my life, was witnessing my younger self figuring out my own belief system.  I was intent in understanding my own religion better and received spiritual guidance as I did so.  I'm grateful that in my youth I worked on shaping the foundation I have today.
• After a few hours of reading, I figured I probably should stop and do something semi-productive.  However, it gave me an added dose of empathy for teen girls, which is helpful with my calling of working with the youth in my church congregation.  It also helped me see how far I've come.  Wisdom does come with experience.  I can envision myself at 45 reading my journals from now and having the same inclination of wanting to hug my younger self and tell her everything will be ok and laugh at some of my young minded silliness.