The Roller Coaster of Pregnancy

So, the main reason I’m writing this post is because so many people have asked me lately how I’m feeling and how pregnancy is going. If you don’t care to know, I’m not offended. But for those who have asked, here is my really long-winded answer. I could sum it up by simply saying, pregnancy is weird and it is a roller coaster. This post I'll share the roller coaster of it all, because it has been a little crazy, but life is kind of crazy, so what can you do.

Perhaps I should back up a bit, because it was a few months ago when I last talked about our desire to have children. It was during a very low time when my body had completely stopped responding to the fertility drugs I had been taking and at that point all seemed awful. I probably sound dramatic, but quite honestly that is how I felt. This is one of the reasons Danny and I went on a couple vacations during October. I was emotionally spent and my doctor kept telling me I needed to rid myself of stress. Anyway, after two months of the drugs not working, Danny and I were going to call it quits. I was feeling quite low at work one day and my dad works right across the street from me, so I went over to talk to him and asked for a blessing. I felt so much peace and in it I was encouraged to ask for the faith and prayers of loved ones concerning this situation.  Danny and I discussed this when I got home and we soon sent out an email to both of our families asking for everyone to pray and fast for us, if they could, that the meds would start working again.  We decided we would give the meds one more month to work.  If it wasn't going to work that 3^rd month (the month of October) we were going to take a break for a while.  So with the fasting, prayers and vacations, we were incredibly blessed that my body started responding to the fertility of drugs that month. So yes, I definitely believe in the power of prayer. It took another month for everything to come together and after our 2.5 years journey of trying to have a little kiddo, we were finally expecting.

I should add here, I have friends, family and loved ones who have been on this journey for much longer than me with trying to have a baby.  I have no answers of why and when it works for some and not others.  I know they too have had fasting and multiple prayers and still are waiting.  My heart goes out to them and I know how much it hurts.  I know everyone has to have his or her trails of patience and loss in life and it is not fun.  I can say from personal experience, infertility is a doozy to go through.  For my dear friends and family and all who are still going through this, I feel for you and I pray for you.

The day I found out we were pregnant was in early December. I had stopped taking pregnancy tests because a. they cost money and b. they are depressing. Since I was going to a fertility clinic, they did blood tests every month anyway to see if things “worked”.  When I went in for my blood test, I was expecting another no, because I was feeling kind of crampy and figured a period was coming on. I got the phone call from the clinic with the results after work when I was driving to meet Danny. I braced myself as I picked up the phone. I was driving on the freeway at the time.  The nurse (who was one of my favorites) excitedly told me the results were positive and I was pregnant. Then I heard a bunch of cheering in the background and the nurse told me that the staff was having a dance party on my behalf in celebration. I had been going to the clinic for awhile, so I knew them all really well. I started bawling and told her I was driving and crying, but incredibly happy. I then said, “Well, ummm, what do I do now?” I had been through the drill so often of what to do when it was negative, I had no clue what to do with a positive. The nurse laughed and helped me set up an ultrasound in a couple of weeks, gave me some more instructions and wished me more congratulations. I cried pretty much the whole way down on my way to get Danny, so many emotions. I was so happy Danny was the first person I saw after finding out the good news. I told him first thing when he got in the car, he was (of course) excited, I cried so more, we hugged and were both incredibly happy. We decided to keep it quiet until after our first ultrasound, to make sure everything was ok.

When you go to a fertility clinic they watch you really close, meaning I have had more ultrasounds than most ladies get. I can’t decide if this has been for better or worse. Danny and I went in for a 6-week ultrasound at the clinic. The nurse practitioner who was doing the ultrasound started laughing and turned the screen towards us and said, “Well you guys, go big or go home, you have twins.” We were shocked and started laughing. Then the NP was like, “Their hearts just formed a couple of days ago, do you want to listen to their heartbeats?” Listening to their little heartbeats, you guessed it, made me cry. It was an incredibly cool experience.

We decided to tell the family about the twinners on Christmas day. We had already told our parents, but that is when we made the announcement to our siblings and their families. Everyone was surprised and excited. It was a very fun Christmas day.

The clinic wanted to see me one more time before they handed me over to the OB. They scheduled me for a 9-week ultrasound. Around 8 weeks, I started having some spotting.  I checked it out online and it said it isn't that uncommon. I didn't have any huge pain, but I was still anxious to know if everything was ok. I asked Danny to come with me to the 9-week ultrasound, just in case I needed moral support. I had told myself it would be fine and I guess I did a pretty convincing job, because I really thought it would be ok. Danny on the other hand felt like something was wrong. We went in for the ultrasound, which my doctor did. The first thing we saw on screen was an empty sac. I remember saying a silent prayer that pretty much consisted of, “Let me see my baby, so I don’t have to worry anymore.” My doctor was really good at handling the situation, saying, “Well I’m not seeing much on this side, let’s check out the other baby and we will come back to this.” The second sac was a stark difference to the first, we could see a little wiggling baby on screen. She pointed out its different parts and we spent a long time ohhing and ahhhing over the little bean on screen. After documenting with the ultrasound pics and such, it was time to face reality. My doc went back to investigated the empty sac and confirmed there wasn't a baby there. She noted some bleeding on the side of the sac. All this meaning I miscarried the twin. It was such an emotional day. Feeling heartbroken about the loss of one, but grateful the other was doing well.  Our doctor stayed with us for awhile and discussed all of what had happened and was incredibly sympathetic, but also optimistic at the same time. Seriously, I love those nurses and doctors at that clinic.

The next couple weeks were hard ones; telling the fam and some close friends the change of events. Everyone was wonderful and supportive. I kept wondering what was the whole point of going through losing one. One day when I was feeling low, I was talking to my mom and I told her I thought I was over the roller coaster once I became pregnant, but apparently that wasn't the case. My mom gently said something to the point of, “My dear, once you get on the ride of motherhood, the roller coaster is never over.” My mom is wise.

Just so everyone knows, I’m doing much better with the loss of the twin. It was quite early in the pregnancy and I had a few personal experiences that helped me feel a lot more at peace with the situation. Some of it is too personal to put on the blog, but I’m happy to talk about it one-on-one. I should also say, after going through all the infertility treatments, I haven’t gone into too much depth about all of that on the blog as well. If there is a friend out there reading this that is facing a similar situation and has questions about where we went, what we did, how I kept sane (or maybe I should say semi-sane), etc. I’m happy to talk about that one-on-one as well.

I know this is incredibly long, but meh, I documenting more for myself anyway, so I’ll keep going. So I went to my OB at 12 weeks. She and her staff have been great. When I first went the nurse practitioner went through everything that was up ahead. One thing she mentioned was that for women 30 and over, they recommend a blood test to detect chromosome problems, down syndrome, etc. She asked if I wanted to participate, which I said sure.  We planned that for my 16-week appointment.

The next month was uneventful, well except for symptoms wise, but I’ll discuss that in another post. I went in for my 16-week appointment and everything looked great, according to me doctor. They took my blood for the test mentioned above and I went merrily on my way, not worrying about things. They told me the results would come back in 1-2 weeks. 

I got a phone call from my OB the next Monday, I missed it and she left a message that they got my blood test results back and I needed to call her back right away. That made me nervous. I called back and she told me that the results came back fine for Down syndrome and neural tube problems, but were quite high for the chance of the chromosome issue Trisomy 18, which I had never heard of. Apparently it is easier to detect with an in depth ultrasound than a blood test, which she had already scheduled for me the next morning at the hospital. She tried to tell me to not worry too much, but that didn't really happen. I decided I wouldn't look up what Trisomy 18 entailed until I got home from work, which was smart. When I googled it, I was sick. It is really hard stuff, most kiddos don’t make it past their first birthday, it also includes physical deformities both inside and out. I was an anxious wreck. Though I was really touched by the stories online of families who had children that were born with this and what a sweet experience it was to have those children in their home. There were a lot more tears that night. I felt I needed another blessing for this situation. (So many prayers and blessings have been going on in my life concerning this kiddo.) I asked Danny for one and it was a really cool experience. We both felt so at peace afterwards and felt everything would be ok.

The next day we both headed over to hospital for the ultrasound. The ultrasound technician started looking for the noticeable symptoms of Trisomy 18 and after a little bit told us our baby looked perfect for how far along I was. We had a genetic counselor come and talk to us. She asked if I had ever been expecting twins, which I said I had, but I lost one quite early on. She was like, “That explains everything, the lab tested your blood according to you having twins. That is what messed up all your results.” She told us she was going to recalculate my numbers and would get back to me. Huge sigh of relief. We asked if the ultrasound tech if she could tell if we were having a boy or a girl.  We had an ultrasound scheduled for 20 weeks, but why not find out early if we could. The tech checked and announced we were having a boy. Danny and I both burst out laughing. We both thought we were having a girl. I was so sure I would have bet money on it. However, I’m perfectly happy with a boy. I've had a lot of practice with my multiple nephews, whom I adore. 

The end of the story of that little drama was the genetic counselor called me back and told me that after recalculating my blood test, all my results came back great and I had no reason to worry. While that 24 hours of anxiety was not fun, it was fun to find out what we are having 3 weeks early.

So there you go, that is the roller coaster of pregnancy so far. I hit halfway next week.  Hopefully the second half will be much calmer. Since this is forever long, I’ll write a different post about the weirdness of pregnancy aka the symptoms, because you guys, it is really weird. If you made it to the end, well done, I’m a bit shocked, but thanks for being interested!