Epiphany

A (symbolic) picture of a partial robin egg I found in our yard yesterday

I had an epiphany today.  I will try my best to explain.

Awhile back a friend in church gave a talk explaining an aspect of the 12-step program, the ability to surrender.  While I don't think I'm really addicted to anything, (although I'm really craving chocolate chip cookies right now) I found it interesting.  This type of surrendering isn't giving up, but instead it is an act of faith.  When one is placed in a situation when cravings, temptations or negative thoughts come to mind, instead of dwelling on it one turns to the Lord admits their weakness, that they can't handle having that thought or craving at that time and gives it the Lord.  It is a sign of humility and in doing so, it is how one gains strength over their weakness.  I thought to myself, well that's a nice idea.

***

I came to a realization today that if I did have an addiction, it would be to certainty.  I want certainty in my life.  If I had it my way, I would have a a timetable of when and where everything is going to happen.  You see, my heart is an anxious heart.  The unknown sprouts fear that is difficult to shake.  (Sometimes I think I keep things as lighthearted as possible on the blog to overcompensate for the side I don't want others to see of me, my anxious, fearful side.)  Many prayers of  mine go something like this:  How long until this trial is over?  When is such and such event that is a righteous desire and I really want going to happen?  How much longer do I have to deal with this weakness? And so on.  See what I mean, timetable.  There have been moments when I felt like the heavens were closed, because I didn't feel like I was receiving answers.  When that happened I would dig in my heels, trying to halt in front of the looming unknown, hoping I would get some type of inkling before I moved on.

***

I was in a meeting today.  I sat halfway back in an auditorium, scribbling notes on my notepad.  The meeting was work related, but applied so much to me personally.  The speaker spoke of our fear of change.  He made the point that our need for certainty is a human weakness and a hindrance to progression.  This piece of wisdom struck deep in my soul.  As the speaker went on I pondered silently my desire for certainty, how I want to know how everything is going to turn out right now.  This introspective moment made me realize how much this obsession with certainty was causing me so much worry and full out anger.  I knew I had to let go.  And so in the dimmed auditorium I said a silent prayer letting the Lord know I was ready and willing to let go of my fear of the future, my timetable ideal and really my lack of faith.  And then I felt peace.  It was so soft and sweet, I was almost afraid to breathe thinking I might lose that feeling.  All this time all Heavenly Father has wanted me to do is to let go.  And by doing so, I got the ultimate answer I wanted/needed, no matter what happened in my life, if I followed Him everything will turn out ok, which I always knew but today I felt. It was beautiful.